Sex in relationships

First, I would like to warn my younger siblings, my Mom and relatives not to read this post knowing I have projected  a different image:

 a virginal paradigm Smiley No   joke!!!

I do not want to offend your moral sensibilities. However, if you want to know me more and perhaps learn something from what I have to say, then please read on without displeasure.

Cafe at Milan

Laughter is the best tension reliever and sex is second. So if you’re having funny sex you’re probably in good shape.”  -Mark Gorkin

The other night we were at The Plaza taking our usual “espresso”, listening to a live band’s rendition of “Turn me on” By Norah Jones. Suddenly, Isabella, my pretty officemate blurted out: “I’m having a nightly ritual boring, sex life!” We started gigling at the topic and begun teasing her.

I’m not a sex guru, ok? I am not pretending to teach how to improve one’s sex life.
These are just my  two cents.

I’ve observed a prevailing attitude: to overdramatize and overemphasize  the importance of our sexuality. How many of us are wondering : “how many orgasms…”, ” how big is my…”, “am I a good lover…” ? etc.  I assume our childhood experiences have something to do about it.

We have been taught to be ashamed, embarrassed, guilty and generally uncomfortable about sex. It’s hard to be relaxed about something so taboo we can’t talk about it in public. My premise shows it.

Many of us have been frightened about our sexuality. Some children are traumatized by the overreactions of adults who catch them experimenting, masturbating or even just reading erotic magazines.  We have read about news or we’ve learned from relatives, neighbors and friends about children who are abused or seduced and thereby made to feel powerless about sex.  While others are frightened by visions of hell and damnation because of their sexual orientations. Usually, children have that idea that sex is something “bad.”

We didn’t learn that sex is natural, fun, simple and a blessing. What would happen if we put in humor and fun into our sexual lives?  Perhaps doing a Matrix style where partners put on sunglasses, and dress in black. They then fly around the room and run on walls in slow motion .  How about the snob style?  The Microsoft style? The Jedi Knight style? The self-actualization style? Oh…there are a lot of styles available in your creative mind and your partner’s mind, use them!
It might just turn out to be sex with more joy, and more love. I’m sure it’s bound to be a lot more fun!

My most memorable sexual experiences are not the most “gymnastic”, the most kinky, the most exciting, or the most romantic . They are the ones with the laughter, even with the tears , the ones that felt as though it didn’t matter what we were doing, because we cared, we were close and in harmony with ourselves and the universe.

Sometimes, sharing a sad, intimate moment and gently moving from tears to lovemaking, somehow these moments become more memorable than when we had orgasms all night long.

When I think in those terms, it’s not the sex that counts, it’s the love. Sex is a marvelous way to communicate love sharing all dimensions of our selves: physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.

We should all learn to relax and enjoy our sexual selves. We should take away all the pressures  like “am I doing right…”, ” we should do like this…”, “it’s your turn…”, “did you come?…”, etc  Our everyday pressures or stress from work or school should be left behind when we are in front of our partner.

Sex should be  more fun, with more laughter than you have ever known: giggles, guffaws and smiles.

Isabella, I wish you peace and joy: in sex, and in all ways that you live.

Sex quotes to follow…


Addiction to bad relationships

A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself – to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart. – Leo F. Buscaglia

“It’s over between us” says Jenny over the phone.”Jenny, this is the 100th time you’ve been telling me that! I bet after 4 days, you’ll be dialing his number again willing to go back on the most demeaning ways, my exasperated reply to her news.

I will not deny that I’ve  been into bad relationships before.  The roller coaster ride of breaking up and making up was so enticing and thrilling in the beginning. Then, it turned to be like a bad habit and I find myself  hooked with seemingly no visible exits!

I thought I was in love because I lost my mind. Isn’t it that’s how they defined love: when you feel  going out of yourself to reach out for the other?

How many times did  I try to defend myself and my partner from my family and friend’s advice to “wake up and bail ship”? To argue that they don’t understand, that my partner is special and I have faith in this person’s capacity to change for the better.

The inevitable split between us,  is actually a pause. These pauses are the periods when I pretend that I’ve found the strength to move on, or the (in)significant other has expressed a need for space.  The more I try to be adamant  in my decision to end it up, the more I find myself yearning for this (in)significant other.

Just like all addictions, relapsed catalyst are like lap dancers: they taunt you with her seductive movements,  moving your desires like a whirpool until finally her presence will occupy your mind till you will stand up to reach out for her.

I wish I knew how to quit you! -Jack Twist

What is it that takes hold of us to a certain person? Why does this capable and rational woman like my friend Jenny would remain so intensely involved with a man who is consistently rejecting, who repeatedly causes her pain?  Why, when she tries to give up this relationship, does she experience even more acute torment?

Why can’t we quit a person when it’s only  giving us stress or shall we say, a bad relationship? I see it as an addiction. It is common for a person in a love relationship to become addicted to the other.  I’ll bet one of you will argue  that it is simply love or sense of commitment, right?

I think  love and commitment  gives you a  freedom to choose another person. On the contrary, when you have a compulsive drive to go back to this person, then it is limiting your freedom, so it is addiction!  The same holds true for smoking, drinking, gambling, etc.

Whether our addiction is to a substance or a person, this sense of incompleteness, emptiness, despair, sadness, and being lost will find its relief when we are in touch with this  something or someone outside ourself.

I agree with Leo Buscaglia when he said “a relationship is based upon freedom”.

Freedom is what I need thus I completely turned my back  away from every bad relationship I find myself in . I  have found a person who will be by my side and never leave me, always giving me the strength, love and support I need… and that person is MYSELF.