A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself – to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart. – Leo F. Buscaglia

“It’s over between us” says Jenny over the phone.”Jenny, this is the 100th time you’ve been telling me that! I bet after 4 days, you’ll be dialing his number again willing to go back on the most demeaning ways, my exasperated reply to her news.

I will not deny that I’ve  been into bad relationships before.  The roller coaster ride of breaking up and making up was so enticing and thrilling in the beginning. Then, it turned to be like a bad habit and I find myself  hooked with seemingly no visible exits!

I thought I was in love because I lost my mind. Isn’t it that’s how they defined love: when you feel  going out of yourself to reach out for the other?

How many times did  I try to defend myself and my partner from my family and friend’s advice to “wake up and bail ship”? To argue that they don’t understand, that my partner is special and I have faith in this person’s capacity to change for the better.

The inevitable split between us,  is actually a pause. These pauses are the periods when I pretend that I’ve found the strength to move on, or the (in)significant other has expressed a need for space.  The more I try to be adamant  in my decision to end it up, the more I find myself yearning for this (in)significant other.

Just like all addictions, relapsed catalyst are like lap dancers: they taunt you with her seductive movements,  moving your desires like a whirpool until finally her presence will occupy your mind till you will stand up to reach out for her.

I wish I knew how to quit you! -Jack Twist

What is it that takes hold of us to a certain person? Why does this capable and rational woman like my friend Jenny would remain so intensely involved with a man who is consistently rejecting, who repeatedly causes her pain?  Why, when she tries to give up this relationship, does she experience even more acute torment?

Why can’t we quit a person when it’s only  giving us stress or shall we say, a bad relationship? I see it as an addiction. It is common for a person in a love relationship to become addicted to the other.  I’ll bet one of you will argue  that it is simply love or sense of commitment, right?

I think  love and commitment  gives you a  freedom to choose another person. On the contrary, when you have a compulsive drive to go back to this person, then it is limiting your freedom, so it is addiction!  The same holds true for smoking, drinking, gambling, etc.

Whether our addiction is to a substance or a person, this sense of incompleteness, emptiness, despair, sadness, and being lost will find its relief when we are in touch with this  something or someone outside ourself.

I agree with Leo Buscaglia when he said “a relationship is based upon freedom”.

Freedom is what I need thus I completely turned my back  away from every bad relationship I find myself in . I  have found a person who will be by my side and never leave me, always giving me the strength, love and support I need… and that person is MYSELF.

 RELATIONSHIP QUOTES

  • Maybe the most that you can expect from a relationship that goes bad is to come out of it with a few good songs.
    Marianne Faithfull
  • I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
    Groucho Marx
  • I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was ‘You’ll never find anyone like me again!’ I’m thinking, ‘I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you.’
    Anonymous
  • The most wonderful of all things in life, I believe, is the discovery of another human being with whom one’s relationship has a glowing depth, beauty, and joy as the years increase. This inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvelous thing, it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. It is a sort of Divine accident.  -Sir Hugh Walpoe
  • A girl can wait for the right man to come along, but in the meantime that still doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones.
    Cher
  • Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’s notice. There should be severance pay and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
    “-  Bob Ettinger
  • The only one who should have to pay for a bad relationship is the person in your next relationship. – by Miranda from Sex and the city
  • However good or bad you feel about your relationship, the person you are with at this moment is the “right” person, because he or she is the mirror of who you are inside. - Deepak Chopra
  • I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it
    seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that
    you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things:
    a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that
    regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re
    gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a living is not the same thing as
    making a life. I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
    I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both
    hands; you need to be able to throw some things back. I’ve learned that whenever
    I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve
    learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that
    every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or
    just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn.
    I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you
    did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
    -Maya Angelou
  • If you want to build trust in a relationship, make sure you use appropriate body language. When you speak to someone, face them directly, (nose to nose, toes to toes) rather than at an angle where their perception may be that you are giving them the “cold shoulder.- Sharon Johnson
  • I swear – by my life and my love of it – that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine. – Ayn Rand
  • Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. – Author Unknown
  • Trust is the glue of life. It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships. – Stephen R. Covey
  • Little kindness and courtesies are so important. In relationships, the little things are the big things.  Stephen R. Covey
  • A deadness occurs in relationships when people are no longer willing to tell each other how they really feel.  Shakti Gawain
  • Our greatest joy-and our greatest pain comes in our relationships with others.  Stephen R. Covey
  • Commitment is inherent in any genuinely loving relationship. -M Scott Peck
  • Any relationship primarily built on physical attractiveness is predestined to be short lived.  Zig Ziglar
  • Before we can have a successful relationship with anyone, we first need a perfect personal relationship.  Russ Von Hoelscher
  • Don’t rush into any kind of relationship. Work on yourself. Feel yourself, experience yourself and love yourself. Do this first and you will soon attract that special loving other. Russ Von Hoelscher
  • Problems in relationship occur because each person is concentrating on what is missing in the other person. Wayne Dyer
  • Personal relationships are the fertile soil from which all advancement…all success… all achievement in real life grows. – Ben Stein
  • When you struggle with your partner, you are struggling with yourself. Every fault you see in them touches a denied weakness in yourself.  Deepak Chopra
  • If one does not wish bonds broken, one should make them elastic and thereby strengthen them. – Ardant du Picq
  • It’s okay to send flowers, but don’t let the flowers do all the talking. Flowers have a limited vocabulary. About the best flowers can say is that you remembered. – Jim Rohn
  • All disagreements are results of misunderstanding someone else’s level of consciousness. – Deepak Chopra
  • Sex is always about emotions. Good sex is about free emotions; bad sex is about blocked emotions. Deepak Chopra
  • Before you try to change others, remember how hard it is to change yourself. – Bill Bluestein
  • Every person is a new door to a different world. – from the movie “Six Degrees of Separation”
  • Associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation; for ’tis better to be alone than in bad company. – George Washington
  • An argument is always about what has been made more important than the relationship. -Hugh Prather
  • Everyone and everything around you is your teacher. – Ken Keyes, Jr.
  • The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed. – Carl Jung
  • If those around you can’t listen and support you in your efforts, they have no place in your life.  Author unknown
  • It’s surprising how many persons go through life without ever recognizing that their feelings toward other people are largely determined by their feelings toward themselves, and if you’re not comfortable within yourself, you can’t be comfortable with others. - Sidney J. Harris
  • No one makes you feel anything. It is how you react and respond that determines your emotions. – Brian Tracy
  • Random events in our lives, or people who do not prove predictable, undermine our sense of control, leading to unhappiness.  Deepak Chopra
  • What you call flaws are really just the scars of hurts and wounds accumulated over a lifetime.  Deepak Chopra
  • When you judge another person, you do not define him or her, you define yourself. – Wayne Dyer
  • Ignore people who tell you “you can’t” or try to discourage you. – Jeffrey Gitomer
  • Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, and don’t put up with people that are reckless with yours. – Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
  • You can end half your troubles immediately by no longer permitting people to tell you what you want. – Vernon Howard, 1918-1992
  • We always see others in the light of our belief; we always feel seen in the light of their beliefs. Deepak Chopra
  • You can’t stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh. – Jay Leno
  • Two great talkers will not travel far together. - Spanish Proverb
  • No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another. – Charles Dickens
  • One of the greatest gifts you can give to anyone is the gift of attention.- Jim Rohn
  • Go out into the world today and love the people you meet. Let your presence light new light in the hearts of people. – Mother Teresa
  • Relationships are for people who are waiting for something better to come along. – Sara
  • Man is a knot into which relationships are tied. -Antoine de Exuperey

  • Whenever you’re in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude. – William James
  • Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do,cause hate in your heart will consume you too. -Will Smith
  • Relationships  of all kinds  are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto some of it, but mostly it will be spilled. A relationships is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost. -Kahlil Jamison
  • We talk about the quality of product and service. What about the quality of our relationships and the quality of our communications and the quality of our promises to each other? – Max depree
  • Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.  – Marcel Proust
  • The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. It changes the relationship of two people much more strongly than even the final surrender; because this kiss already has within it that surrender.- Emil Ludwig

23 Responses to “Addiction to bad relationships”

  1.  

    –wala akong masabi… GUILTY ako lol

    Reply

     
  2.  

    Diwa :)

    Guilty din ako noon but it’s really a pain sa head, heart, sa ass din!
    I need a life! :o)

    I had to stop the rollercoaster ride!

    Reply

     
  3.  

    I can say that I’m addicted to a relationship…but I’m lucky that the addiction is not to a bad relationship.

    Reply

     
  4.  

    You are right about being addicted to a bad relationship. That’s how I find myself now. Somehow its painful yet pleasurable moments gives me a binge not to quit…not now.

    Am I a masochist?

    Reply

     
  5.  

    Bea,

    you are one lucky girl! :)

    Reply

     
  6.  

    Before we got married, there were 2 questions for which we should have the same answer:

    1. Can you live with the other person? Answer must be yes.
    2. Can you live without the other person? Answer must be no.

    Both should have the same answer to have a better edge in a married life. It’s not fool proof but it’s less trouble. :)

    Reply

     
  7.  

    Hello Annix,

    welcome to my site!

    well, if pain gives you pleasure then it is masochism ;)

    As Germaine Greer says:

    “Love, love, love — all the wretched cant of it, masking egotism, lust, masochism, fantasy under a mythology of sentimental postures, a welter of self-induced miseries and joys, blinding and masking the essential personalities in the frozen gestures of courtship, in the kissing and the dating and the desire, the compliments and the quarrels which vivify its barrenness.”

    Reply

     
  8.  

    Oh, and another as important point: whatever your religious belief is, the couple should be of the same wavelength…it’s not only for the couple…it’s for the kids’ sake. Sure, there are still problems…but, I’ll say it again, it’s less trouble. :)

    Reply

     
  9.  

    “1. Can you live with the other person? Answer must be yes.
    2. Can you live without the other person? Answer must be no.” – by C5

    Mah friend,

    these are the same questions and answers a person who is addicted to a bad relationship is living.

    As the song “I’d Rather” by Luther Vandross goes:

    “I’d rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else
    I’d rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
    I’d rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart
    I’d rather have the one who holds my heart…wooo” ;)

    Reply

     
  10.  

    Addiction to a bad relationship can happen within marriage as well especially since our culture does not accept the concept of divorce. Women especially are forced to work to “save” the marriage rather than endure the concept of being a separada…

    The problem with Cee’s two questions is that at the time that a person is usually asked those questions, either he/she is too “in love” that the judgment was clouded hence the person fails to recognize the truth OR the person is in the state of denial of the apparent truth. It might work for some, but not for others.

    Reply

     
  11.  

    TeacherGee,

    You have pointed out one of those many reasons why a person hangs on to a bad relationship.

    You’ve mentioned:

    1) Our filipino culture where divorce is not accepted

    > Filipinas (mostly) are forced to “save” the marriage rather than endure the concept of being a separada…

    I’ll add:

    2) Fear of criticism

    >They are afraid of what people will say, believing that ending a relationship means that they are a failure and being alone is unacceptable and terrifying.

    3) Financial support

    > One tends to tolerate a partner’s bad behavior to be able to get a financial sustenance

    4) Having a child together

    5) Upbringing or experiences as a child

    6) Fear of not finding anyone else who would be interested in oneself after a break up

    7) Masochism

    8) Plain stupidity ;)

    Reply

     
  12.  

    Oh I forgot, religious beliefs…

    anyone else who would like to add to the list? :0

    Reply

     
  13.  

    Actually, when I chose to marry, the foundation was marrying within the SAME faith, then the 2 questions followed.

    We were at the brink of separation for reasons I’d rather not say since it’s over and everything’s ok. Both our fault, by the way but I was the one giving up.

    Had he gave up on me also because of pride, it could have ended. I was giving up out of pity but later realized the root was my fault. I was giving up out of my will because of the 2nd question. He did not give up (because of the 2nd question) but almost did (out of pride) and I’m thankful it was just so. THE BOAT WAS ROCKING. But what do we do? You have to keep still and let God, because we believe that what God put together, let not man put asunder. The same wavelength we have, same faith, was the foundation…it was what saved our marriage. The 2 questions are supporting roles. The fear of God is the BASIC FOUNDATION. Marriages founded on God’s principles will make it into GOOD relationships, no matter how hard the boat rocks, which do happen for strength and stability…just like the metamorphosis of a butterfly from its cocoon…

    Reply

     
  14.  

    C5,

    you are right…faith in God ( i would rather use faith than fear) is one aspect why someone would hold on tolerating:

    >physical abuse
    >sexual abuse
    >psychological abuse
    >moral abuse

    when one doesn’t have any self respect at all…I still can’t perceive how he/she can find happiness…

    faith in God, fear in God?

    What if he/she doesn’t have any religious faith at all?

    Reply

     
  15.  

    fear of God=wanting to do what is right in God’s sight
    faith in God=believing that as long as the person is trying to do what is right in God’s sight *according to what God (not man) said/emphasized* and it seems that everything’s not going well, it’s believing that God knows what He is doing and it’s the best and He will be the One to avenge us.

    Reply

     
  16.  

    No religious faith at all? Human nature will take its course…

    There is no other way but through Christ…otherwise, it’s through the prince of the power of the air…who deceived the whole world (Ephesians 2:2; Revelation 12:9; John 14:6)

    Reply

     
  17.  

    C5,
    ;)

    Reply

     
  18.  

    Always take into account that great LOVE and great ACHIEVEMENTS involve great RISK….The best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for one another.

    Reply

     
  19.  

    Thank you Bitch Dragon ;) I will take note of that yet considering some factors like happiness and peace of mind! :)

    Reply

     
  20.  

    Never Choose WRONG persons for relationship in your life, It KILLS you everyday and makes you feel HELPLESS all the time.

    Reply

    ross Reply:

    @Srikanth,
    Hi and thank you for your feedback. In life, we cannot safeguard ourselves from making a wrong choice or as you said choosing the “wrong person for relationship”. What is important is recognizing that it is “killing you and making helpless” and deciding to use your freedom to stay or leave such kind of relationship. It is not easy but you can do it.

    Live Life!

    Reply

     
  21.  

    So true, why? Life is such a perplex one! Why does one hold on to someone – something that is inching not to be a part of it

    Reply

     
  22.  

    [...] respect , listening skills and love are our handy tools.So try to make a  good sense of a bad relationship by examining it as a reflection of your beliefs about yourself.Don’t  just run away from a [...]

     

Leave a Reply